There’s a certain threshold that a woman crosses when answering the dreaded question, “is there someone special in your life?” that requires a twenty minute explanation detailing the reasons for which you are dangerously close to turning thirty and thus headed towards old-maiden land.  That threshold is crossed by some single women earlier than others depending on whether or not they have more eyes watching them or more expectations placed on them.  Eventually however, all single women will cross that threshold and realize that being single is no longer an item that you check off on official documents, but a state of being that needs to be cured or corrected immediately.

Not only is there external pressure to find a mate, but there is also the internal pressure where the Older Single Woman (O.S.W) realizes that she is alone whilst almost everyone and their friends appear to be headed towards wedded bliss, and that she wants very much to start her own family and raise her own kids.  With that in mind, when asked the question, are you still single, the O.S.W finds herself attaching more to her answer - “yes, but…” and proceeds to detail that she is single because of a, b and c reasons. Somehow wired into the deep recesses of our human minds, being “single” means that you are “deficient” in some way or the other.  This feeling of deficiency increases with time and granted that many O.S.W’s are incredibly successful in career and fruitful in ministry, they are discontent and deeply unhappy about their lack of significant other.

The reality is that when we meet an O.S.W, particularly in the church context, we think to ourselves - “I wonder whether she is just too picky? Too strong in personality? Isn’t trying hard enough?  Called to be single?” And though we tend to admire the single woman for many important traits, we still think to ourselves (if we are younger sisters), “I hope I don’t end up like that!”

I’m thankful for the apostle Paul, who gave credence to the single person in his letter to the Corinthians.  He said in 1 Cor 7:34-35 - “An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.”

Can you believe that the Bible actually has something to say to the O.S.W?  He’s saying that it’s fine to be an unmarried woman who is concerned about the Lord’s affairs.  The principle here is that being single is not the same as being deficient.  By including this one teaching in the text, single people are given credibility and acceptance in the local church context.

As an O.S.W myself, I understand very deeply (believe me), that the issue of finding the right spouse is not as simple as merely remaining focused/devoted to the Lord’s work until the “sent-one” approaches me.  There’s a lot more complexity to the situation than that.  For instance, there are things that I need to do, such as work on myself as a person, grow in my own walk with Christ, overcome negative perceptions on relationships and let go of unrealistic expectations and a prideful sense of entitlement.  That is a discussion for my next entry. Before I get carried away however, one thing I think must remain clear in the mind of every O.S.W is that being single is not synonymous with being deficient.  Let’s not allow ourselves to think and operate according to this distortion, but in fact, see that there is a place for us in the church and in our worlds as a single person…even if it requires a twenty minute explanation as to why we are still single.

Last year, a girl was caught pretending to be a student at Stanford.  You can read the story here.  What was really interesting about the story was that this young lady was able to play the role of a Stanford student so convincingly that she was able to get away with it, whilst living in the dorms and pretending to take midterms, for eight months!  Imagine what it would take to construct an entire identity around something that was not true.  You would first have to somehow, justify in your mind that it is ok to lie.  Next you would have to actually begin to believe that you are the person you are pretending to be.  Finally, you would have to figure out the system and keep track of your lies in order to hold the whole act together.  This is just too much work!  Underneath it all, if we were to do the cost benefit analysis, this young lady ended up desiring so much to be something that she was not that she was willing to pay the steep price.  This just reflects how deeply her desire went.  Without speculating too much on the causes for her behavior, I wonder if there was a deep fear attached to her longing.  Perhaps she was so fearful to be exactly who she was and who she thought others would perceive her to be as a ”Stanford reject”, that she was willing to go the distance in constructing her fake identity.

We all suffer some kind of duplicity in our own lives.  I know I do!  It takes a lot of energy to maintain an image.  This goes back to my own fears related to acceptance and safety.  In the end however, I think the price for maintaining a self-constructed identity as opposed to being who God created you to be in His image, is too steep a price to pay.

I’m reminded of the story in “The Dawn Treader”, the fifth book of the Narnia series, where Eustace Scrubb becomes a dragon due to some foolish choices that he makes.  Later, he is unable to scrape his dragon scales off by himself because the scales have become such a part of his body.  Only Aslan is able to scrape off the scales and restore Eustace back into his original state.  It is only when we allow our Creator to clear off whatever “dragon scales” we have accumulated in our lives, that we are able to become who He intended us to be.  It is a painful process as is described by C.S. Lewis, that requires us to allow the sharpness of God’s Truth to cut away the lies and duplicity.  This is a story of redemption and restoration.

The recent sermon series - Renovations has been very good for me on a personal level.  It has caused me to reflect a bit on my own life and consider what areas of my mind, heart or will have yet to be attended to.  I especially appreciated the rooms metaphor as it helped me understand how we need to invite Christ into all rooms in our lives, even the ones we tend to neglect.  This became strikingly true for me this month as I am switching rooms with my roommate.  In moving a few feet I realized that I have a LOT of organizing to do.  Right now, my room is made up of four different piles.  The paperwork pile, where a mountain of old letters, documents and even a random frisbee has made it way onto my desk.  Then there’s the clothes pile where I’ve effectively been able to hide away in my closet hoping that it will just go away by itself.  Next is the school pile where all my books, school work and other items that I accumulated in the past two years are scattered on my floor.  Finally, is the misc pile that’s made up of everything else that I cannot seem to classify into the other piles.  Needless to say, the room is a mess!

This made me realize a couple of things about myself.  One, I hate hate hate to organize!  I can live with a mess for quite a long time before I feel the need to begin the process of tidying.  Two, the mess won’t go away by itself (as I keep hoping it will) if I simply ignore it.  Three, when I think about the work that it entails, I don’t want to even get started!  Four, I can’t really invite anyone to come visit me in my room until it is presentable.  Finally, I’m not going to get the most use of my room if I don’t effectively clean it up.  I’m the same way when it comes to my spiritual life.  I tend to focus on externals and not my heart condition believing that since no one can see it, there’s no need to attend to it.  In the end however, if I don’t deal with what’s going on inside then the outside is merely a facade and simply a set of behaviors without much power.

As I begin the process of fixing up my room, I am praying that I will also begin to let God attend to the different areas of my life whether it be my heart, my mind or my will.

I participated in Habitat for Humanity last weekend with some friends and single adults from our church’s Focus community.

We were sodding (a.k.a. putting sheets of grass onto a new lawn). Sounds easy, right?
ha ha haaa…..

So what ’sodding’ really means is:
1) Walk through a mud pit and pick out all the brick, clay, wood, rock debris that was left by the old demolished house.
2) Shovel dirt throughout the whole lawn.
3) Rake and spread the top soil evenly.
4) Lay sheets of grass in lines across the lawn.
And for extra bonus fun, pick a hot, humid, sunny June day.

Bottom line: it was hard work! By the end, though, I felt like I was on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. It was incredible seeing the transformation of the house from the beginning to the end.

As I was thinking back to the day, I realized that there were some life illustrations that came out of the day. Here are a few:

#1: Shake off the muck if you want to move
Before we laid the grass, we had to clear out brick, wood, clay, and rocks from the lawn. We had to trek through wet mud and clay to pick up the pieces. Every step I took, more mud/clay stuck to my shoes, and after 3 steps, I basically couldn’t pick up my feet because the muck was so heavy. Unless I shook off the excess muck that was weighing me down, I wasn’t going to get anywhere.

#2: Cover-up is only a temporary fix
As nasty as it was to clear out the muck, it was the most important part. If we just laid the top soil and grass on top of the
brick/wood/clay/rocks, the grass would not be able to take root, and it would die quickly. We couldn’t just cover up the junk with the grass; we had to clean the yard out so that healthy grass could grow.

#3: Help Helps
My friend and coworker Sarah and I were working on one side of the lawn by ourselves for half of the morning. It was taking forever and there was no end in sight - until we reached the back lawn, where there was an army of other people to work together with. Things went about ten times faster from that point on.

#4: If dirt and discomfort is inevitable, embrace it
When we started laying the grass, I realized the dirt and grass from the sheets lands all over you. At one point, Sarah looked at me and said, ‘You’re not dirty enough,’ at which point I hugged the sheet and smeared grass and dirt on my face. I have to say, it was a lot more fun when I accepted the discomfort of the task and embraced it (literally)!

#5: It’s all worth it in the end

I remember back in middle and high school, I was a floater. I mingled with the intellectual nerds of the school paper, spent hours a week with the lacrosse jocks, was loosely affiliated with the ‘cool’ kids through a childhood friend, and found refuge at my parent’s church with other Korean American teenagers. I came to college wondering if I would ever find true friends who would know me (the good, the bad, and the ugly), accept me, and last beyond college.

I thank God because He provided more than I asked. Pardon my nostalgia, but I wanted to share about one friend in particular.

My first encounter with Rachel was freshman year, when my older sister invited her to our apartment for dinner. I remember thinking, “She’s one of those goody-two-shoe Christian girls that my sister is reaching out to.” I didn’t stick around for that dinner.

The next couple years we saw each other from afar at various church gatherings. Then, junior year we both started serving as small group leaders, and were put together as accountability partners. And the rest is history.

We continued as accountability partners for the next 6 years, and then lived together as roommates for a year. Over that time, we went through highs, lows, and really-really lows. I experienced true vulnerability as I confessed (for the first time to a friend) insecurities about my self image, family, future, and relationships, and listened to her open up her life to me as well.

We struggled through college graduation, job-searching, life-purpose-searching. We became partners at work as we tried to start a school together. I blind-carbon-copied (bcc’ed) her when I emailed that boy that I liked so that she could monitor for excessive smileys and subliminal messages.

We’ve dreamed, kayaked, prayed, hot-tubbed, made late-night trips to kinkos, traveled abroad to Canada for dim sum together.

And as she leaves to take part in a church plant in Austin, Texas, I’m thankful because I’m certain that God has brought us together as sisters in Christ, friends and partners in Kingdom work - not only in the past, but wherever He takes us in the future.

And it all started with a simple prayer, back at the beginning of college: “God, please provide a true friend who will walk with me for the length of this journey.”