critiquing

He's Just Not That Into You

I’ve been meaning to provide a brief crtique of a recent movie:  “He’s Just Not That Into You” (emphasis on the not!).  The premise of the movie is the notion that women are sadly ignorant of a man’s true intentions.  As a result of misinterpretation and misguided mind reading, the women in the movie end up either choosing the wrong men to be with or getting very hurt by the men they love.  Furthermore, the underlying theme is that women have been conditioned to believe that there is no possible way that a man they are attracted to could possibly not be into them.

I enjoyed this movie a lot!  It was a little painful to watch the main characters go through humiliating experience after another, but in general, it was humorous, entertaining and relatable.  It often teetered on the edge of becoming a little too cruel to one gender or the other - either painting women as being clueless or men being lousy/committmentphobic, but thankfully didn’t fall into either extreme.

One thing the movie did a good job of highlighting was the extremes in which some women will go to believing that a guy is into them even if they have made it explicitly clear that they are not.  I thought it was a relevant commentary on the tendency for women to hold onto their illusion that something could work out with a guy, when clearly all the signals are suggesting otherwise.   I think we all know at least one woman who has fallen into this cycle of not being able to move on in their lives because they believe that a guy is into them, even when his behavior shows otherwise.

All this being said, I’d like to insert an additional thought about this whole concept.  Actually, it’s more of a question - why is it that some women let men in their lives treat them so poorly?    I find it very painful to see women consistently go back to relationships which are clearly toxic or harmful to them.  Sadly, this maladaptive pattern tends to happen more often than not in a woman’s life.  Not to say that those who are in such relationships will somehow be liberated by simply getting the fact that he may not be into her, but there is some value to considering that they will be mistreated for as long as they believe that his poor behavior towards her is in some twisted way a sign of affection or love.  I think the movie did a good job of highlighting this concept - that affection and love is accompanied by action and if that action is hurtful then its a good indicator that he’s just not that into you and it’s time to move on.

One thing that continues to be disconcerting for me when I’m driving down the freeway, flipping through a magazine, watching tv or just walking down the street (not all at the same time of course), is how frequently we are confronted with images of women who are portrayed in a very sexual manner. What is more disconcerting however, is how used to these images I am getting. Sometimes I don’t even give it a second thought anymore! It makes me wonder just how much a part of our culture this kind of display of women’s images has become. It also makes me wonder how much further we can slide down the slippery slope of what is considered “beautiful” in our culture today. Just think, we now have video footage of spring break trips of girls gone wild for sale AND these things are actually being paid for and watched!

In her book, “Radical Womanhood,” Carolyn McCulley writes: “We live in a culture of hyperaggressive female sexuality, which is arguably the worst ever in recorded history. Those who promote this view often publish books and magazine articles with vulgar titles and references, stating that they are “reclaiming” these words for feminism.” She suggests that somewhere along the way, a woman’s power became tied to their expression of their sexuality. As a result, to be a powerful and liberated woman, you must also be sexually liberated and free to engage in this type of “hyperaggressive female sexuality.” She further indicates that up until the second wave of feminism, feminists were actively opposed to the pornographic industry, viewing it as an act of oppression against the rights and liberties of women. This was also a time in which they were aligned with Christian evanglicals in the stand against the sale of pornography. When the third wave of feminism came about as a reaction to the second wave feminist movement, there was a decidedly opposing reaction to the “porn wars” of the second wave and a new kind of “sex-positive” movement began to take place. With porn going mainstream and feminism tying itself to a newly held value of sexual liberation, this generation of young women were ushered into what we see and experience today - a “raunch culture” as Carolyn McCulley so aptly describes.

And we all feel the reverberations of this movement. Whether it is an undercurrent of feeling that modesty is not only boring, but a measure of how liberated or powerful you are as an individual, whether it is the incredible dilution and distortion of what true love should be like, whether it is the feeling of unsafety in our own clothes as we walk down the street or whether it is the reality that somewhere out there someone is engaging in incredibly risky and unhealthy behavior simply to engage in this type of raunch culture, we have all in some manner been affected. Nonetheless, this line of thinking inevitably presents an opportunity for us as Christian women to react. Perhaps it is important to consider that a new type of woman’s empowerment is to actually embrace and exhibit what Scripture tells us about being beautiful women…that it is actually more radical and more powerful when we decide early on in our girlhoods to say “no” to this raunch culture, to choose purity over pornography, love over lust, reason over raunch and affirmation over attention.

Where does the longing to be beautiful come from?  Every time period and every culture had some concept of a beauty ideal.  For example, during the Elizabethan era or 16th century England, women were inspired by Queen Elizabeth’s pale/powdered complexion and fiery red hair.  As a result the women painted their faces with ceruse (a.k.a lead paint) and wore red wigs as a fashion trend.  A more striking example of a painful beauty ideal is “foot binding” which was commonly practiced in China.  Believing that having tiny feet was an important expression of femininity women would literally bind their feet at times even restricting or breaking the arches of their feet in order to keep their feet from growing.  Yet another painful yet fascinating beauty ideal that comes to mind are “lip plates” which women from certain tribes in Africa and S.America wear to enhance their beauty.  For example, the Mursi and Surma women (nomadic tribes in E. Africa) would make an incision in their lower lip and insert a disc into the lip.  As time went on they would replace the disc with larger ones eventually going to a diameter of 10-15cm.

The fact of the matter is that beauty has always mattered to women and neither culture nor history has erased this innate longing that all women share.  The desire to be beautiful or to behold something beautiful is a transcendent longing and it is something that is deeply ingrained in every woman’s heart.  From the moment that God created us in His image and brought us into existence, He deposited into us His own beauty ideal - His moral excellence, His sense of relationship, and His sense of stewardship.  Beauty matters because beauty matters to God and in the end or in this case, in the beginning, He is the ultimate standard of beauty.  As a result, every woman carries an unanswered question in their hearts - am I beautiful?  I think the deeper layer to this question is am I who God intended me to be - fearless, safe, unashamed and whole?

Beauty is also a very culturally constructed ideal.  This is an unfortunate effect of the fall.  In our particular postmodern, western culture, the beauty ideal has mutated to the extent that nothing matters more than what’s on the outside.  It makes me wonder why of all the incredible aspects of femininity to focus on, why does it have to be so concentrated on what we represent on the outside?  Additionally, the current beauty ideal is not only incredibly superficial, but it is also increasingly sexually charged.  Consider the recent cover of Vanity Fair where Miley Cyrus, a preteen pop icon, posed semi nude.  A beautiful image to be sure and some would even consider it being a work of art, but what is most frightening about this picture is that it communicates to a very young, moldable and vulnerable generation of women that it’s completly ok to objectify oneself.  Sadly, many women buy into this form of self-imposed objectification without even being aware of it and at the heart of this particular matter lies the hearts of a generation of women who feel incredibly worthless and very much like the object they strive to be.

I’d like to continue to express in my later entries that this development of our current beauty ideal or more specifically, the distortion of God’s beauty ideal did not happen in a void.  There were movements and significant decisions that have been made in our history that have shaped the way in which women understand and appropriate this culturally entrenched beauty ideal into their lives.  Stay tuned!

At a leader’s meeting this weekend, one of our church staff with a background in counseling (and one of our writers-Hannah) came to talk to the ladies about eating disorders. It is estimated that 10% of female college students suffer from an eating disorder, and that four of every five women in the U. S. are dissatisfied with their appearance. Even looking at these statistics makes me realize the value of equipping our female leaders about how to help themselves and others who struggle with this.

One thing mentioned in the talk was about how our culture and media is one of the etiologies of eating disorders. How true this is! There’s always talk of stars losing or gaining weight, with more applause for those who have lost weight. There’s a pressure to be thin and that being thin is beautiful.

The media recently have been pointing out Jessica Simpson’s weight gain. Looking at these pictures, she definitely doesn’t look like a stick and she doesn’t look fat or obese to me. I think she looks fine and wish the media would hold back comments on how heavier she looked.

Even Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, stood up for her daughter when the media took pictures of her in a bikini and made unkind comments about her daughter’s weight. The Duchess kept commenting that her daughter was “a healthy size 10″.

I do admit that the cultural and media influences are strong in how we view ourselves and others. But we must fight against those and other worldly influences and replace it with Biblcial truths. We can’t do it alone. We need the power of Jesus and the accountability from other sisters.

And rather than focusing on being a size 0, 2 or ?, I think the focus should be on being healthy as ladies.

A couple of weeks ago, my son chose to go see Prince Caspian for his birthday. As we were walking into the movie theater, I noticed a very long line outside, then inside the theater. As I was wondering what movie the line was for, I noticed that every single person waiting in line was a female. What was the reason for the gathering of all these women? It was to watch, Sex And The City!

Although I haven’t seen the movie yet, I have viewed a couple of SATC episodes on television. (And with anything we view, we should understand what we watch with a biblical worldview, rather than a secular worldview.) I can’t say for certain why each of the women were in line to watch the movie, but I can see how one aspect of the movie can be a draw for women.

The friendships that the four SATC women share is pretty special. You see the commitment, love and fun they share together in spite of what each one of them goes through.

I think as we get older, whether single or married, friendships we have with other women are so important. Many things will come up in our lives, whether the struggles of singlehood, broken relationships with the opposite sex, the pains of a divorce, a miscarriage, and the list goes on. In the midst of all these things, we see how friendships are a gift to us to support us through those moments.

I hope we can evaluate the friendships we have with other sisters to see if they are Christ-centered and edifying. Our friendships should be filled with listening, encouraging, admonishing and praying for one another. I know I’m thankful for the friends in my life!

I’m sure many of us, if not all, have heard of Oprah Winfrey and the impact she is making around the world. Not only do millions of viewers watch her show, but she has other mediums of influencing people with her thoughts and values. I sometimes think about the impact she can make for the Kingdom of God if she was a Christ-follower. But, even if we are not to the level of Oprah, I was reminded of how we can still make an impact for the Kingdom of God from a recent Oprah Show.

A few weeks ago on the show, two families came on to share their stories about the mistaken identity case which occurred a couple of years ago. The daughters of the two families, along with other students and staff from their university in Indiana, were involved in a tragic car crash. Whitney Cerak, one of the daughters, initially believed to have been one of five people killed in the crash, actually survived. Laura Van Ryn, the daughter of the other family on the show, was thought to have survived the crash, but was actually dead. The Cerak family had believed their daughter was dead, while the Van Ryn family believed their daughter was fighting for her life in the hospital. After about five weeks in the hospital, the Van Ryn’s came to the realization that the girl in the hospital was not their daughter.

Can you imagine what might have been going on in the hearts and minds of both family members?

On the show, rather than sharing about any anger, bitterness or frustration with all that they went through with the mix-up, it was so encouraging to hear the families share about how their faith in Jesus Christ got them through everything. Imagine the millions of people watching and hearing, along with Oprah Winfrey, about Jesus Christ and the impact He had made in the lives of these families!

It was definitely a challenge to me to be a verbal and visible witness of Jesus Christ to those around me, because you never know who will be watching and listening in.