connecting

An unfortunate reality of being a part of the Evanston site is that Northwestern University operates on a quarter system.  That means that while U of M students have ended the academic year and are at home enjoying the fact that they are done with finals, school and ready to enjoy their summer, Northwestern students are stuck in class, lectures and labs and still have a couple more weeks to go before finals.  The world can be very unfair sometimes. If you have time, please send an encouraging email to those you know are are still suffering through the last weeks of school.

As a result of delayed endings, I have been thinking about what it means to end well.  More specifically, I will be making a significant move this Summer as I will be relocating once again.  If I can be honest about this experience, I admit that the idea of saying another round of “goodbyes” has pushed me to ask myself some really difficult questions.  For instance, as I look back I am asking myself whether or not my time here in Chicago has been fruitful.  More importantly, I find myself taking inventory of my past three years and assessing the quality of my decisions, my relationships and my life.  I am coming to conclude that in order to end well, it is essential to first look back and reflect on what you’ve started and then to take action on any loose ends that have yet to be tied.  When it comes to tasks, this is more or less a clear cut endeavor.  However, when it comes to relationships, you begin to face the painful task of saying good goodbyes to those who have played a significant role in your life.

For me, ending well has come to mean more than just completing the tasks you have been assigned.  It has come to mean facing those who have come to be an integral part of your life, being present with them, affirming the space that they occupy in your heart, saying goodbye and then letting them say their goodbye in the best way they know how.

Whatever ending you may be facing in your life right now - whether it’s your freshman year in college, your job, your relationship, consider what work you need to do in order to end well.  It certainly takes a lot of energy and courage to be able to say a good goodbye.  It’s worth it though because the mark of a sucessful beginning comes from being able to say a good goodbye.  May you be blessed as you end well!

Hello my name is Hannah and I am a perfectionist.  I am what you would call a “discouraged” perfectionist.  I’m the type that had some ideal in mind and came to the disappointing conclusion that there’s nothing anyone or I could ever do to meet that ideal and as a result live a tumultuous existence between never doing anything or trying to do everything.  Admittedly, I am not the obvious kind of perfectionist where everything is in order and hair in place but nonetheless, internally, I suffer the nasty disease of perfectionism.  I don’t really care much about what others do or how they do it, but I do care about the things that represent who I am.  I especially care about anything that determines or grades my worth.  There’s another term for this - performance orientation for which I will shamelessly blame my upbringing.

My early education was done in the British or classical system.  The British actually have a saying which pretty much summarizes their educational paradigm:  “the roots of education are bitter.”  In other words, suffer early on in the discipline it takes to learn and you will bear much fruit later as you mature.  I wonder if they ever took pointers from the Spartans because my experience for the first eight years of my life was for lack of a better word, truly “bitter.”  All of my performance was graded.  We actually had a point system called “stars & stripes.”  If you did well you would get a star, if you did poorly, you would get a stripe.  If you collected more than three stripes, you would not only have to confess your failure to your entire house (think slyterhin, gryffindor from Harry Potter) and pay a visit to the headmaster or headmistress where you would get the “tacky” (hit with a sneaker on your behind) or the “whip” (whipped with horse whip on your legs).  Thankfully, I never got the tacky or the whip though I was sensitive enough to fear the idea of it so much that I would do everything I could to avoid punishment.

One particular memory that I have was on graduation day which we called “speech” day.  Now on speech day each class has students who are recognized for their scholastic achievements.  First place, second place and the effort prize are awarded to deserving students.  There was one particular year which stands out in my mind.  This was the year that my older sister received the effort prize in her class and also was recognized as the future head prefect of the school.  This was also the year that my younger sister received second place in her year.  This was also the year that I received absolutely no recognition for anything.  (Darn my smart and overachieving sisters!)

Before you begin to feel sorry for me (please don’t, I’m fine now), please note - performance orientation + shame + sensitive nature = discouraged perfectionist.  My struggle with perfectionism really comes from a lie that I began to believe in very early in my life; that is that my worth and essentially my acceptability is tied to my performance and achievements.  That’s why failure is very difficult for me and I expend a great deal of energy trying to avoid failure.  In recognizing my own struggle with perfectionism, I have gone through the different extremes of trying to rid myself of this disease.  Whether it is deliberately trying to fail at things or fervently trying to keep things from unraveling, one thing I’ve learned is that my perfectionism indicates a lack in my relationship with God and others.  It comes from a deficit in being able to receive unconditional love.  This truth has really acted as a disinfecting agent in my heart at times, even burning and scarring the hard to accept the essence of the Gospel - that there is absolutely nothing I can do by my own strength to be released from the standards I have tried all my life to reach and that it is only through the recognition that I am sinner saved by grace that I can even begin to experience liberation from this prison.

Despite the difficulties of my early education, I have come to really embrace all that it had to offer me.  Whether it was a smashing british accent which unfortunately has turned into a hybrid of Chicago/British/Kenyan/Korean accent - don’t ask me how to say the word “from,” or whether it was in being trained early in the bitterness of learning, one thing it has added into my life and my own faith journey is that I am starved for grace in my life.  Similar to a parched piece of desert land that soaks in raindrops during the rainy season, grace has become that fuel which continues to transform and direct my life.

My daughter, Karissa, and I woke up to flowers and a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day, presented to us by the boys and man in our lives.  It was cute to see Karissa staring at her single red rose asking me if my red tulips were prettier than her red rose.  I could tell that she felt very loved.  I’m hoping that she will learn how a guy should treat her by the way her dad and brothers interact with her now.  And I hope my boys will know how to treat their future wives and daughters.

As for me, I was reflecting on the number of Valentine’s Days I’ve shared with my husband and the first Valentine’s Day gift he gave me.  Not chocolates…not a cute stuffed animal…not flowers…but a Bible…a New Living Translation version!  He is a preacher after all…and it did have a personal message for me in there

Although the Bible is probably not one of the most purchased gifts on Valentine’s Day, I’m thankful for the gift.  It is a reminder of the kind of love we have shared over the past 13 years of married life.  In our culture, where the message of love differs from person to person and tends to be self-focused, it’s nice to know that our love is based on the love the Heavenly Father displayed when He sent His son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross for our sins.

This type of love is a decision we make each day to strengthen our marriage even when we have conflict and don’t feel like it at times.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I thought I would compile a list of 10 things I’m NOT thankful for… and find reason to be thankful for them:

10. Slow drivers - I can pause and enjoy a time of solitude in the car.

9. Frigid Michigan winters - I can savor my favorite hot drinks without breaking a sweat - like black coffee or green tea… MMM.

8. Slow service at restaurants - It allows for more quality time with friends/family.

7. Telemarketers - They test and develop my patience.

6. Monday mornings - They give me a valid reason to ask for an extra shot of espresso in my coffee.

5. Slow internet connections - They force me to peel myself away from the computer/internet for once.

4. Relational conflict - It leads to reconciliation and deeper appreciation and love for each other.

3. Really frigid Michigan winters - Snowball fights and snow angels.

2. Not being able to un-send an email after accidentally ‘replying-to-all’ - The opportunity to laugh at myself and bring amusement to others (not that this has every happened…).

1. When life gets unusually busy and crazy - I’m thankful to have an eternal purpose in life that keeps me busy and crazy.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Of course I mean in your relationship with God.

As the winter chill takes over our city, I’m reminded of the many Novembers when my growth in knowing God would plateau with the dropping temperatures.  It would subtly slip from being a relationship to becoming a routine.  But in recent years I’ve found the following tips have helped to keep my relationship with God alive:

1) Change up the setting now & then- I am a strong advocate of morning prayer, but sometimes it’s hard finding the time to journal and study the Word as much as I’d like during those times.  What has helped is to find a different place, a few times a week and later in the day, to focus only on journaling or in depth studying of the word that doesn’t fit during morning prayer.  My favorite spots at U of M: Grad Reading room, 6th floor of the stacks, facing the Law Quad. it’s especially beautiful in the late mornings.  Douglas Chapel in FCC. Espresso Royale right at 9am. And the Law Library reading room - late mornings are best. Also, having a warm cup of tea during these times would increase my anticipation for these occassions…a cozy time where I can cuddle up with God.

2) Take a vacation - not away from God, but with God.  I’ve done vacations in various ways and lengths.  One year I took monthly half day retreats to bookstores or waterfronts (weather permitting) to read and reflect.  The following year I took a week long hiking trip in Utah thanks to frequent flyer miles.  This winter I hope to take a road trip somewhere warm with a good friend.  I think we all know about the importance of taking personal retreats–but what has helped about these retreats was the commitment to set aside special times and experiences with God.  These are the rare opportunities where my time is unhurried, so rather than filling up my vacation with busyness in the form of entertainment, I make sure to set aside a few hours each day where I can read, pray, worship, study the word, journal, and take walks for reflection.

3) Use an aid -I’m surprised at how many women I know approach their daily personal times with God like a lottery; by just opening up to whatever part of the bible and reading the random passage of the day. I definitely don’t recommend this, since it doesn’t seem to be a strong approach to learning without some kind of thematical or chronological order.  I would strongly suggest using some kind of schedule or aid that would best fit our spiritual needs.  The Bible reading plan that we have at HMCC is great for those who have never read through the bible.  There are several resources out there for book studies or topical / thematic studies.  Here are my recommendations:

- Lifechange Study Series - in depth study of the books of the bible (one study per book).  One chapter can be very hefty to do on a daily basis, so I would recommend doing half a chapter a day, or using this once a week to supplement another plan

- Experiencing God  - I did the workbook version which might be hard to find today.  But this helped provide the structure, explanation, and thematic focus I needed to start off a daily devotional. It also helped me focus on my relationship, and not my routine, with God.

- Walk Thru the Bible - I am currently going through this a second time.  It covers the bible in a year, which can be daunting at times since I feel like I’m taking in so much in one day.  But occasionally I take one day a week to do a chapter of a lifechange series study so that I can regularly be digging deeper into a smaller portion of scripture.

4) Reflect on a regular basis - this has become, by far, the best thing I’ve done for my faith in the past year.  I used to be a journaling addict in college, but I lost that discpline after graduating.  I decided to pick it up again, and have made the commitment to journal on a daily basis…even if it’s only a few sentences.  This has been a great avenue to grow in my relationship with God because it allows me to listen for His voice at the end of the day.  This usually leads to daily repentance of all the thoughts, motives and actions that I realized were sinful.  And I either document these things as areas of prayer, or I journal an honest expression to God.  I’m also able to take note of any current anxieties that I can revisit in my prayer time throughout the week.  I also write down things I’m learning from my daily devotions, or verses that stick out to me during various church gatherings.  It’s like I’m having a spiritual spa every evening–releasing all my toxins and getting the nourishment I need.

5) Constantly Listen, and Constantly Give. As I’ve been getting into the habit of reflecting and journaling, a surprising result is the surplus of ideas that pop into my head.  There were several times when a person comes to mind because of a recent conversation or even because of the particular thought or topic I was meditating on.  I take that as a cue to listen to God, write down a reminder in my smartphone to do something about it that week, and find the time to do something small but encouraging for that person.  I would lift up a prayer, send an encouraging e card, give a phone call, or even send flowers.  Other times I would think of more than one person–but sometimes a whole family, a need in the church or even an idea for worship.  I’ve felt there’s been greater fruit in my life as I take the time to listen and consistently respond with giving. This has helped me to view my daily life, and my daily times with God, as being very purposeful.

Those are my five helpful hints for now…I hope it is able to help others in their walk with God!

I remember back in middle and high school, I was a floater. I mingled with the intellectual nerds of the school paper, spent hours a week with the lacrosse jocks, was loosely affiliated with the ‘cool’ kids through a childhood friend, and found refuge at my parent’s church with other Korean American teenagers. I came to college wondering if I would ever find true friends who would know me (the good, the bad, and the ugly), accept me, and last beyond college.

I thank God because He provided more than I asked. Pardon my nostalgia, but I wanted to share about one friend in particular.

My first encounter with Rachel was freshman year, when my older sister invited her to our apartment for dinner. I remember thinking, “She’s one of those goody-two-shoe Christian girls that my sister is reaching out to.” I didn’t stick around for that dinner.

The next couple years we saw each other from afar at various church gatherings. Then, junior year we both started serving as small group leaders, and were put together as accountability partners. And the rest is history.

We continued as accountability partners for the next 6 years, and then lived together as roommates for a year. Over that time, we went through highs, lows, and really-really lows. I experienced true vulnerability as I confessed (for the first time to a friend) insecurities about my self image, family, future, and relationships, and listened to her open up her life to me as well.

We struggled through college graduation, job-searching, life-purpose-searching. We became partners at work as we tried to start a school together. I blind-carbon-copied (bcc’ed) her when I emailed that boy that I liked so that she could monitor for excessive smileys and subliminal messages.

We’ve dreamed, kayaked, prayed, hot-tubbed, made late-night trips to kinkos, traveled abroad to Canada for dim sum together.

And as she leaves to take part in a church plant in Austin, Texas, I’m thankful because I’m certain that God has brought us together as sisters in Christ, friends and partners in Kingdom work - not only in the past, but wherever He takes us in the future.

And it all started with a simple prayer, back at the beginning of college: “God, please provide a true friend who will walk with me for the length of this journey.”