Girl Matters

Recently I was doing a bit of research in regards to biblical womanhood and see what opinions were out there on the matter.  I ran into the very excellent website of Carolyn McCulley called Radical Womanhood.  She gives an excellent synopsis of the feminist movement and how the different waves of feminism affect the Christian woman today.  I recommend taking a look at it as it will be excellent food for thought.

Women have a conflicted relationship with aggression and power.  A good illustration of this is the kind of stir Sarah Palin is causing amongst the female population of this country.  Even feminists are divided as to how they should react to her!  On the one hand they respect her for being able to break through the "glass ceiling" in some sense, but on the other hand, resent her for utilizing feminist strategy to promote her conservative political agenda.  There's no doubt that a woman's capacity to wield power is often scrutinized differently and more controversially than a man in power.

I have a theory that this goes back (way back) to the way females are socialized.  What happens when a little girl decides to violently stomp on an ant in order to feed it to her cat?  An obscure example to be sure, but this is something that I once did as a little girl and was subsequently made to feel like a "bad girl" whereas my childhood playmate (who was a boy), was simply being a boy when he did the same thing.  In her adolescence the young female teen may not necessarily show her aggression in obvious ways, but has learned to express it in socially acceptable ways.  It's not so much that girls have less aggression, it just means that having lost the option of outwardly and directly expressing their aggression, they have had to find an indirect way of releasing negative emotion.

This explains the reality of the mean girl phenomenon and we see a caricaturized version of female aggression at its most base level.  She is passive-aggressive, manipulative, vengeful and powerful.  If we take it a step further and this may develop as the adolescent blossoms into a young woman, another expression of female aggression is through her sexuality.  Having graduated from petty flirtations she begins to learn that her sexuality is in fact a powerful medium in which to get what she wants.  This may explain the intense following that the HBO series, "Sex and the City" has procured over the years.  It plays with this idea of what the postmodern ideal for womanhood should look like.  She is successful in her career, her family are her close friends, she is sexually liberated all the while looking fashionable and flawless.  The Sex and the City woman has harnessed her sexuality, intelligence and zest for life and with all her complexity and drama is the projected ideal for today's postmodern woman.

There is a certain paradox in scripture that I frequently wrestle with.  The "noble" woman is not prized for her beauty per se, but she is prized instead for her wisdom, her resourcefulness, her diligence and her dignity (Proverbs 31).  Another theme that runs through scripture in terms of instructing the woman is that she is to be submissive, respecting of her husband/authority, and wise in the way she utilizes her own power in communal settings.  I'll admit that I'm a pretty aggressive person.  I like to win and secretly resent it when I lose.  If we take the classic metaphor of the knight rescuing the damsel in distress, I want to be the knight and would much rather not be the damsel in distress.  My conclusion is that there are many many things to fight for in life.  Whether it is the elusive world peace we yearn for or whether it is simply raising and educating your own children, there are many battles that need to be fought and won in our lifetime.  As a follower of Christ, I believe that it is an important part of my own growth to relearn this biblical picture of womanhood.  A biblical woman's power is at it's strongest, paradoxically, when she is by secular terms "powerless."  Her battles are fought and won when integrity is the foundation of her character and wisdom is her crown.  In the end, Christ paints the best picture of what true power looks like - humility and submission before God, which marks the way of the Cross.

This past week was our OCR and Welcome Week at Northwestern University.  The new students and freshmen have gone through a grueling week of orientation and preparation for their college careers.  We've been having a tremendous time meeting some of the new students and enjoying the new friendships we have been able to start with many of them.  Personally, in the midst of the fun-filled and busy activity, I haven't had much time to think through and consider the significance of being an O.S.W.  In many ways, it seems like there are just more important things to think about right now!  However, in the midst of all the activity and acts of service these past few weeks, there were some significant realizations that I'd like to share about being an O.S.W.

It shouldn't define you:  As a counselor I often think about the importance of having a solid identity in Christ.  To know yourself fully in the way that you have been created as a child of God and growing into the man or woman of God that you are called to be are important themes that are in the forefront of my mind all the time. The risk that the O.S.W faces and I'm afraid to also say, the temptation we face is to allow this season of our lives to define essential aspects of our personhood, womanhood and character.  The first thing that others need to know about us is not whether or not we are single or how old we are, but that we are children of God and that what defines us is that we are mathetria - female disciples of Christ.

Living within the tension:  Perhaps I will be stepping onto thin ice as I share this portion of my thoughts.  As an O.S.W, in the back of our minds we often have that nagging question of timing and urgency.  Our biological clocks are ticking and culturally, we know that after a certain age your stock drops exponentially.  These thoughts are often unarticulated or perhaps translated into more palatable and less vulnerable words.  But there are significant fears that the O.S.W faces as we hear the clock ticking.  Now in Scripture, we see a track record amongst the women of the Old Testament.  Many took matters into their own hands when they faced situations that required faith.  The tension that we face in our humanity, is to either take matters into our own hands or not do anything at all.  If you think about it, there are many tensions that we face in general
- there is that tension of living in the world but not being a part of
it, and there is the tension of telling the truth, but doing it in
love.

Thankfully, God has made provisions for the O.S.W in the midst of living within the tension and that is that He is the one who defines our identity and He is the one who will be our sufficiency as we determine how to handle the various struggles of our circumstances.  In the end, the question that is being asked by the Lord and that the O.S.W must respond to is - "Am I enough for you?"

There's a certain threshold that a woman crosses when answering the dreaded question, "is there someone special in your life?" that requires a twenty minute explanation detailing the reasons for which you are dangerously close to turning thirty and thus headed towards old-maiden land.  That threshold is crossed by some single women earlier than others depending on whether or not they have more eyes watching them or more expectations placed on them.  Eventually however, all single women will cross that threshold and realize that being single is no longer an item that you check off on official documents, but a state of being that needs to be cured or corrected immediately.

Not only is there external pressure to find a mate, but there is also the internal pressure where the Older Single Woman (O.S.W) realizes that she is alone whilst almost everyone and their friends appear to be headed towards wedded bliss, and that she wants very much to start her own family and raise her own kids.  With that in mind, when asked the question, are you still single, the O.S.W finds herself attaching more to her answer - "yes, but..." and proceeds to detail that she is single because of a, b and c reasons. Somehow wired into the deep recesses of our human minds, being "single" means that you are "deficient" in some way or the other.  This feeling of deficiency increases with time and granted that many O.S.W's are incredibly successful in career and fruitful in ministry, they are discontent and deeply unhappy about their lack of significant other.

The reality is that when we meet an O.S.W, particularly in the church context, we think to ourselves - "I wonder whether she is just too picky? Too strong in personality? Isn't trying hard enough?  Called to be single?" And though we tend to admire the single woman for many important traits, we still think to ourselves (if we are younger sisters), "I hope I don't end up like that!"

I'm thankful for the apostle Paul, who gave credence to the single person in his letter to the Corinthians.  He said in 1 Cor 7:34-35 - "An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord."

Can you believe that the Bible actually has something to say to the O.S.W?  He's saying that it's fine to be an unmarried woman who is concerned about the Lord's affairs.  The principle here is that being single is not the same as being deficient.  By including this one teaching in the text, single people are given credibility and acceptance in the local church context.

As an O.S.W myself, I understand very deeply (believe me), that the issue of finding the right spouse is not as simple as merely remaining focused/devoted to the Lord's work until the "sent-one" approaches me.  There's a lot more complexity to the situation than that.  For instance, there are things that I need to do, such as work on myself as a person, grow in my own walk with Christ, overcome negative perceptions on relationships and let go of unrealistic expectations and a prideful sense of entitlement.  That is a discussion for my next entry. Before I get carried away however, one thing I think must remain clear in the mind of every O.S.W is that being single is not synonymous with being deficient.  Let's not allow ourselves to think and operate according to this distortion, but in fact, see that there is a place for us in the church and in our worlds as a single person...even if it requires a twenty minute explanation as to why we are still single.

Last year, a girl was caught pretending to be a student at Stanford.  You can read the story here.  What was really interesting about the story was that this young lady was able to play the role of a Stanford student so convincingly that she was able to get away with it, whilst living in the dorms and pretending to take midterms, for eight months!  Imagine what it would take to construct an entire identity around something that was not true.  You would first have to somehow, justify in your mind that it is ok to lie.  Next you would have to actually begin to believe that you are the person you are pretending to be.  Finally, you would have to figure out the system and keep track of your lies in order to hold the whole act together.  This is just too much work!  Underneath it all, if we were to do the cost benefit analysis, this young lady ended up desiring so much to be something that she was not that she was willing to pay the steep price.  This just reflects how deeply her desire went.  Without speculating too much on the causes for her behavior, I wonder if there was a deep fear attached to her longing.  Perhaps she was so fearful to be exactly who she was and who she thought others would perceive her to be as a "Stanford reject", that she was willing to go the distance in constructing her fake identity. 

We all suffer some kind of duplicity in our own lives.  I know I do!  It takes a lot of energy to maintain an image.  This goes back to my own fears related to acceptance and safety.  In the end however, I think the price for maintaining a self-constructed identity as opposed to being who God created you to be in His image, is too steep a price to pay. 

I'm reminded of the story in "The Dawn Treader", the fifth book of the Narnia series, where Eustace Scrubb becomes a dragon due to some foolish choices that he makes.  Later, he is unable to scrape his dragon scales off by himself because the scales have become such a part of his body.  Only Aslan is able to scrape off the scales and restore Eustace back into his original state.  It is only when we allow our Creator to clear off whatever "dragon scales" we have accumulated in our lives, that we are able to become who He intended us to be.  It is a painful process as is described by C.S. Lewis, that requires us to allow the sharpness of God's Truth to cut away the lies and duplicity.  This is a story of redemption and restoration.  

As we enter into the dog-days of summer, I am fighting the awful disesase known as "summer-brain."  This is right around the time in the calendar year, when I find myself slowing down.  My thinking slows down, my speech becomes sluggish and my body feels like it needs more time in rest mode than it actually requires.  I understand why certain places in the south, it's common to see people gently swinging on porch swings drinking sweat tea and fanning themselves to survive the heat of the summer months.

There is one area of my life that also seems to slow down as well - my spiritual life.  Apathy sets in like a misty fog and before I know it, I'm not as hungry to spend time in God's presence.  It always catches me off-guard because the slowness of the summer months is so subtle and before I know it, I've neglected one of the most integral aspects of my life - my relationship with God.

I'm reminded of the tree (Psalm 1) that is planted next to streams of water.  No matter what the season, that tree will bear fruit.  I want to be like that tree.  Well first of all, I want to be like a tree and be firmly planted to begin with.  But second to that, I want to make sure that I am planted to the place that offers continuous refreshment bringing health, vitality and bearing fruit.

The recent sermon series - Renovations has been very good for me on a personal level.  It has caused me to reflect a bit on my own life and consider what areas of my mind, heart or will have yet to be attended to.  I especially appreciated the rooms metaphor as it helped me understand how we need to invite Christ into all rooms in our lives, even the ones we tend to neglect.  This became strikingly true for me this month as I am switching rooms with my roommate.  In moving a few feet I realized that I have a LOT of organizing to do.  Right now, my room is made up of four different piles.  The paperwork pile, where a mountain of old letters, documents and even a random frisbee has made it way onto my desk.  Then there's the clothes pile where I've effectively been able to hide away in my closet hoping that it will just go away by itself.  Next is the school pile where all my books, school work and other items that I accumulated in the past two years are scattered on my floor.  Finally, is the misc pile that's made up of everything else that I cannot seem to classify into the other piles.  Needless to say, the room is a mess! 

This made me realize a couple of things about myself.  One, I hate hate hate to organize!  I can live with a mess for quite a long time before I feel the need to begin the process of tidying.  Two, the mess won't go away by itself (as I keep hoping it will) if I simply ignore it.  Three, when I think about the work that it entails, I don't want to even get started!  Four, I can't really invite anyone to come visit me in my room until it is presentable.  Finally, I'm not going to get the most use of my room if I don't effectively clean it up.  I'm the same way when it comes to my spiritual life.  I tend to focus on externals and not my heart condition believing that since no one can see it, there's no need to attend to it.  In the end however, if I don't deal with what's going on inside then the outside is merely a facade and simply a set of behaviors without much power. 

As I begin the process of fixing up my room, I am praying that I will also begin to let God attend to the different areas of my life whether it be my heart, my mind or my will. 

Have you ever heard of the "burkini?" I just discovered this new type of swimwear today and thought that it was such an interesting concept. It is for Muslim women who have chosen the veil and are committed to presenting themselves to the world with modesty. For Muslim women who live in countries surrounded by water, they have very few options for what they can wear when they swim. Often it is a hazard to swim in their reguluar cotton clothing and the option of showing skin goes against their principles. In response to this need, a line of swimwear called the "burkini" was created. You can read more about it here.

This just made me consider what principles I utilize and whether they affect every decision I make. Not that I will be wearing the "burkini" anytime soon, though I would consider for alternative reasons such as it being more forgiving than the bikini. But the principle behind it highlights how much some women in the world prize modesty as a virtue of their femininity. Has modesty become an archaic virtue in our generation today? Have we become too desensitized to how we present ourselves to the world? This was a challenging thought for me this morning as I read the article. The heart behind modesty is the desire to honor our brothers in the Body and to allow our character to be the main focus, not what we wear and what we don't wear. What we wear on the outside should only enhance that.

Finally, if there are any brothers out there who are reading this article, encourage the women in your smallgroups and affirm them for who they are and how they strive to be women of God. Most women are all too aware when they are getting "negative" attention from a guy - yeah, we see those traveling eyes. So please, covenant with God, your fellow brothers in Christ and yourself to keep your eyes from sinning and bless the women of the church by recognizing their God-given value and the beauty that comes from being a virtuous woman.

Awhile ago, I was at a retreat and received some prayer from a Pastor who was gifted in the area of prayer. I was expecting a huge revelation from God and maybe even to find some much needed direction for my life as I received prayer. However, the one thing that this Pastor prayed for me was to know that God loved me. His exact words were - "Lord, she just needs to know that you love her." My expected "burning bush" experience turned out to be one of the most simplest, yet profound truths that has become the bedrock for my relationship with God.

Why has knowing that God loves me changed my life? As women, I believe that we tend to look for love in all the wrong places. We long for someone to prove to us that we are worthy to be loved. This may explain our preoccupation with waiting for our proverbial knights in shining armor. Our search leads us to all sorts of dead ends. The top three dead ends which I am all too familiar with are: expecting someone else to quantify your value, expecting your performance to prove your worth and hiding behind perfection or titles in the hopes that it will cover up any flaws that reveal who you really are. Let me break it down even further:

Looking to others: Think about what we long to receive from the people that we are close to in our lives. Is it yearning to hear your father tell you that he is proud of you? Or perhaps it is having someone tell you that you are beautiful, lovable and worthy to be cherished. The dead end in this alley is that as long as we depend on others to tell us who we are and what sort of value we have, we will forever be enslaved to a faulty and temporary standard.

Performance: Does the thought of failing cause you to break out in a cold sweat? If we make our competence the standard of our worth, then what happens when we fail? The problem with finding our worth in how well we perform is that there is no end to the cycle. When is it ever enough? Often those who follow this dead end, find that their relationships suffer and that they are unable to shut off their need to produce something.

Perfection & Titles: There's nothing that will distract people from seeing the real you, when you have something as important as a position/title to hide behind. The particular identifying markers of that position become your own identity and it becomes so easy to let that be the source of your worth. The danger of course is that it becomes so easy to deceive yourself that you are not in need of God or others and this in turn allows you to very easily court sin in your life. In the end, you're pretty much living a lie!

There's obviously more when it comes to the many ways we tend to find our value in all the wrong things. What I am discovering as I reverse out of the dead ends that I've often found myself painfully stuck in, is that I need to reorient how I view myself and how I understand my worth entirely around the authoritative truth of God's Word. This is when we can really learn from having that childlike heart and join in that simple childhood song that we are so quick to forget: "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so..."

This past Saturday, the women of HMCC of Chicago decided to capitalize on the beautiful weather and ride our bikes along the lake front. Having been "land-locked" in Ann Arbor for many years, I'm still unaccustomed to seeing a large body of water on a regular basis.

Lake Michigan is no Indian Ocean, but it is still a very beautiful backdrop to the city of Chicago. We had a wonderful time getting out, getting active and look forward to more opportunities to enjoy nature. I think it's safe to say that all the women and the friends that we invited had a superb time fellowshipping across life-stages.

After our bike ride we decided to treat ourselves to some delicious bubble tea when we got back to Evanston. It was a good time!