Girl Matters

I know many of you have heard or read my husband share about our upcoming church plant in Jakarta, Indonesia in 2009. Some people have inquired as to how I feel about the decision to go as a family for one year, so I wanted to share as briefly as possible the journey the Lord has taken me on.

My husband is a visionary and has a big heart for the world, so I've heard him share about doing ministry internationally at various times. Even as we see the Lord at work in the international community in Ann Arbor, I can't ignore that God is doing something in our church and other churches in sharing the gospel to the nations represented here.

When my husband brought up the idea of starting up a church overseas, it seemed like the right move forward for our church...for sometime in the future with some of our leaders and a pastor. So when my husband approached me about the possibility of our family moving for one year to start up this church, it took me by surprise. In my mind, I always thought we would do something like that when our kids were off to college, because that is what we have always talked about.

So what was my initial response? After some moments of thought, I told him that it's great if this is what God wants for our church, and if you feel that God wants you to go start up this church, the kids and I will support you from Ann Arbor. :) Well, I don't need to explain that my husband didn't take my response too well. After some discussion, we decided to pray about this decision.

As I spent time praying and reflecting, I asked myself why I was not open to the idea of our family moving for one year. After all, one year is not that long. I realized what I was struggling with was the idea of uprooting my kids from their family, school, friends and the comforts of life in America. I was struggling with surrendering to and trusting in God once again.

I thought surrendering my parents to the Lord many, many years ago was difficult and an emotional struggle, but having my own children takes it to a new level. I have to keep reminding myself not to have my fingerprints all over their lives, but to allow God's fingerprints to be imprinted. I have seen God's faithfulness with my parents and family thus far, and I know that a life of surrender is the path I want to keep walking on.

Once I was able to go through the struggle of surrendering, I was better able to hear what God wanted our family to do. I still didn't have all the answers and I was still unsure about many things, but being filled with God's peace, I was able to step out in faith once again. God was also working in the lives of my children during that time of prayer and reflection that encouraged that step of faith as well. (I will share my children's side of the story in my next entry).

Now, our family is excited as we prepare for this church plant, along with a team from our church. Please keep us in your prayers!

I've been meaning to comment on a certain aspect of our relational
lives that often fly under the radar for the very reason that 
it is hidden and hard to catch - that is "Ambiguous Relationships."

What is an ambiguous relationship? It is when a relationship
goes from a platonic level to a nonplatonic one but not quite yet
openly declared itself to be a romantic relationship.  Often the two
people involved in an ambiguous relationship seem to be the last ones
to even realize that they are even in this territory to begin with.

What causes an ambiguous relationship to happen? I would say
that most relationships tend to become ambiguous at some level and at
some point.  The real question is why do some people have ambiguous
relationships and simply stay there without ever clarifying what it is
or moving the relationship to some kind of definitive place.  Apart
from the fact that people who are chronic ambiguous relationship
players are slightly delusional, it is also because an ambiguous
relationship permits the individuals involved in enjoying the benefits
of a relationship without ever having to become responsible for the
other person.  In other words, the chronic ambiguous relationship
person enjoys all the benefits without paying the messy price of being
in an intimate relationship.  It is intimacy without integrity,
pleasure without patience and connection without commitment.

As you can see, I am vehemently against chronically ambiguous
relationships because it provides the perfect breeding ground for
parasitical consequences to develop.  Most often, a chronically
ambiguous relationship not only affects the two people involved in it,
but the larger community as well.  By its very nature the ambiguous
relationship excludes others from not only providing accountability and
support for the relationship but also, in enjoying and integrating the
new relationship into the community.  This atmosphere of exclusivity is
created because even the "couple" has not been truthful that there is a
relationship to begin with so it causes others to have to deal with the
relationship as though it is not there at all. For lack of a better
statement - how can you deal honestly with a delusion?

When I see a fellow sister in Christ begin to veer into an ambiguous
relationship, I often try to wave my yellow flag as a warning saying
"watch out", "be careful!"  At the heart of this caution is not a
desire to keep young women from the joys of a relationship (I believe
in marriage), but it's really because I believe that so much can be
lost in the process of being caught up in the gravitational pull of an
ambiguous relationship.  The greatest gift we can give to the Lord in
our relationship with Him, as well as to others in community with us,
is our whole hearts.  At the heart of relational purity, is not a set
of dos and don'ts, it's also not an instruction to guard our hearts
behind iron bars, what it really is, is that our hearts are worth being
dealt with as though it is actually worth something.  If we flippantly
give away our hearts and affections, then what do we have left?

If you are beginning to realize that you are in an ambiguous
relationship, my advice to you is to talk to someone about it - find a
trustworthy sounding board and begin to be honest about what's going
on.  More importantly, try to seek some godly wisdom and invite the kind of guidance and covering that can provide helpful feedback to your situation.  If you are a chronic ambiguous relationship person, then I'd
encourage you to come out of the closet about this and talk to someone
about this as well.  Take some time also to reflect on why it is that you are so inclined to enter into ambiguous relationships.  Invite accountability into your life as a gift and
not as a terrible punishment.  Most of all, bring these things before
God's presence and ask Him to speak into this aspect of your life.

Recently I was doing a bit of research in regards to biblical womanhood and see what opinions were out there on the matter.  I ran into the very excellent website of Carolyn McCulley called Radical Womanhood.  She gives an excellent synopsis of the feminist movement and how the different waves of feminism affect the Christian woman today.  I recommend taking a look at it as it will be excellent food for thought.

Of course I mean in your relationship with God.

As the winter chill takes over our city, I'm reminded of the many Novembers when my growth in knowing God would plateau with the dropping temperatures.  It would subtly slip from being a relationship to becoming a routine.  But in recent years I've found the following tips have helped to keep my relationship with God alive:

1) Change up the setting now & then- I am a strong advocate of morning prayer, but sometimes it's hard finding the time to journal and study the Word as much as I'd like during those times.  What has helped is to find a different place, a few times a week and later in the day, to focus only on journaling or in depth studying of the word that doesn't fit during morning prayer.  My favorite spots at U of M: Grad Reading room, 6th floor of the stacks, facing the Law Quad. it's especially beautiful in the late mornings.  Douglas Chapel in FCC. Espresso Royale right at 9am. And the Law Library reading room - late mornings are best. Also, having a warm cup of tea during these times would increase my anticipation for these occassions...a cozy time where I can cuddle up with God.

2) Take a vacation - not away from God, but with God.  I've done vacations in various ways and lengths.  One year I took monthly half day retreats to bookstores or waterfronts (weather permitting) to read and reflect.  The following year I took a week long hiking trip in Utah thanks to frequent flyer miles.  This winter I hope to take a road trip somewhere warm with a good friend.  I think we all know about the importance of taking personal retreats--but what has helped about these retreats was the commitment to set aside special times and experiences with God.  These are the rare opportunities where my time is unhurried, so rather than filling up my vacation with busyness in the form of entertainment, I make sure to set aside a few hours each day where I can read, pray, worship, study the word, journal, and take walks for reflection.

3) Use an aid -I'm surprised at how many women I know approach their daily personal times with God like a lottery; by just opening up to whatever part of the bible and reading the random passage of the day. I definitely don't recommend this, since it doesn't seem to be a strong approach to learning without some kind of thematical or chronological order.  I would strongly suggest using some kind of schedule or aid that would best fit our spiritual needs.  The Bible reading plan that we have at HMCC is great for those who have never read through the bible.  There are several resources out there for book studies or topical / thematic studies.  Here are my recommendations:

- Lifechange Study Series - in depth study of the books of the bible (one study per book).  One chapter can be very hefty to do on a daily basis, so I would recommend doing half a chapter a day, or using this once a week to supplement another plan

- Experiencing God  - I did the workbook version which might be hard to find today.  But this helped provide the structure, explanation, and thematic focus I needed to start off a daily devotional. It also helped me focus on my relationship, and not my routine, with God.

- Walk Thru the Bible - I am currently going through this a second time.  It covers the bible in a year, which can be daunting at times since I feel like I'm taking in so much in one day.  But occasionally I take one day a week to do a chapter of a lifechange series study so that I can regularly be digging deeper into a smaller portion of scripture.

4) Reflect on a regular basis - this has become, by far, the best thing I've done for my faith in the past year.  I used to be a journaling addict in college, but I lost that discpline after graduating.  I decided to pick it up again, and have made the commitment to journal on a daily basis...even if it's only a few sentences.  This has been a great avenue to grow in my relationship with God because it allows me to listen for His voice at the end of the day.  This usually leads to daily repentance of all the thoughts, motives and actions that I realized were sinful.  And I either document these things as areas of prayer, or I journal an honest expression to God.  I'm also able to take note of any current anxieties that I can revisit in my prayer time throughout the week.  I also write down things I'm learning from my daily devotions, or verses that stick out to me during various church gatherings.  It's like I'm having a spiritual spa every evening--releasing all my toxins and getting the nourishment I need.

5) Constantly Listen, and Constantly Give. As I've been getting into the habit of reflecting and journaling, a surprising result is the surplus of ideas that pop into my head.  There were several times when a person comes to mind because of a recent conversation or even because of the particular thought or topic I was meditating on.  I take that as a cue to listen to God, write down a reminder in my smartphone to do something about it that week, and find the time to do something small but encouraging for that person.  I would lift up a prayer, send an encouraging e card, give a phone call, or even send flowers.  Other times I would think of more than one person--but sometimes a whole family, a need in the church or even an idea for worship.  I've felt there's been greater fruit in my life as I take the time to listen and consistently respond with giving. This has helped me to view my daily life, and my daily times with God, as being very purposeful.

Those are my five helpful hints for now...I hope it is able to help others in their walk with God!

Women have a conflicted relationship with aggression and power.  A good illustration of this is the kind of stir Sarah Palin is causing amongst the female population of this country.  Even feminists are divided as to how they should react to her!  On the one hand they respect her for being able to break through the "glass ceiling" in some sense, but on the other hand, resent her for utilizing feminist strategy to promote her conservative political agenda.  There's no doubt that a woman's capacity to wield power is often scrutinized differently and more controversially than a man in power.

I have a theory that this goes back (way back) to the way females are socialized.  What happens when a little girl decides to violently stomp on an ant in order to feed it to her cat?  An obscure example to be sure, but this is something that I once did as a little girl and was subsequently made to feel like a "bad girl" whereas my childhood playmate (who was a boy), was simply being a boy when he did the same thing.  In her adolescence the young female teen may not necessarily show her aggression in obvious ways, but has learned to express it in socially acceptable ways.  It's not so much that girls have less aggression, it just means that having lost the option of outwardly and directly expressing their aggression, they have had to find an indirect way of releasing negative emotion.

This explains the reality of the mean girl phenomenon and we see a caricaturized version of female aggression at its most base level.  She is passive-aggressive, manipulative, vengeful and powerful.  If we take it a step further and this may develop as the adolescent blossoms into a young woman, another expression of female aggression is through her sexuality.  Having graduated from petty flirtations she begins to learn that her sexuality is in fact a powerful medium in which to get what she wants.  This may explain the intense following that the HBO series, "Sex and the City" has procured over the years.  It plays with this idea of what the postmodern ideal for womanhood should look like.  She is successful in her career, her family are her close friends, she is sexually liberated all the while looking fashionable and flawless.  The Sex and the City woman has harnessed her sexuality, intelligence and zest for life and with all her complexity and drama is the projected ideal for today's postmodern woman.

There is a certain paradox in scripture that I frequently wrestle with.  The "noble" woman is not prized for her beauty per se, but she is prized instead for her wisdom, her resourcefulness, her diligence and her dignity (Proverbs 31).  Another theme that runs through scripture in terms of instructing the woman is that she is to be submissive, respecting of her husband/authority, and wise in the way she utilizes her own power in communal settings.  I'll admit that I'm a pretty aggressive person.  I like to win and secretly resent it when I lose.  If we take the classic metaphor of the knight rescuing the damsel in distress, I want to be the knight and would much rather not be the damsel in distress.  My conclusion is that there are many many things to fight for in life.  Whether it is the elusive world peace we yearn for or whether it is simply raising and educating your own children, there are many battles that need to be fought and won in our lifetime.  As a follower of Christ, I believe that it is an important part of my own growth to relearn this biblical picture of womanhood.  A biblical woman's power is at it's strongest, paradoxically, when she is by secular terms "powerless."  Her battles are fought and won when integrity is the foundation of her character and wisdom is her crown.  In the end, Christ paints the best picture of what true power looks like - humility and submission before God, which marks the way of the Cross.

This past week was our OCR and Welcome Week at Northwestern University.  The new students and freshmen have gone through a grueling week of orientation and preparation for their college careers.  We've been having a tremendous time meeting some of the new students and enjoying the new friendships we have been able to start with many of them.  Personally, in the midst of the fun-filled and busy activity, I haven't had much time to think through and consider the significance of being an O.S.W.  In many ways, it seems like there are just more important things to think about right now!  However, in the midst of all the activity and acts of service these past few weeks, there were some significant realizations that I'd like to share about being an O.S.W.

It shouldn't define you:  As a counselor I often think about the importance of having a solid identity in Christ.  To know yourself fully in the way that you have been created as a child of God and growing into the man or woman of God that you are called to be are important themes that are in the forefront of my mind all the time. The risk that the O.S.W faces and I'm afraid to also say, the temptation we face is to allow this season of our lives to define essential aspects of our personhood, womanhood and character.  The first thing that others need to know about us is not whether or not we are single or how old we are, but that we are children of God and that what defines us is that we are mathetria - female disciples of Christ.

Living within the tension:  Perhaps I will be stepping onto thin ice as I share this portion of my thoughts.  As an O.S.W, in the back of our minds we often have that nagging question of timing and urgency.  Our biological clocks are ticking and culturally, we know that after a certain age your stock drops exponentially.  These thoughts are often unarticulated or perhaps translated into more palatable and less vulnerable words.  But there are significant fears that the O.S.W faces as we hear the clock ticking.  Now in Scripture, we see a track record amongst the women of the Old Testament.  Many took matters into their own hands when they faced situations that required faith.  The tension that we face in our humanity, is to either take matters into our own hands or not do anything at all.  If you think about it, there are many tensions that we face in general
- there is that tension of living in the world but not being a part of
it, and there is the tension of telling the truth, but doing it in
love.

Thankfully, God has made provisions for the O.S.W in the midst of living within the tension and that is that He is the one who defines our identity and He is the one who will be our sufficiency as we determine how to handle the various struggles of our circumstances.  In the end, the question that is being asked by the Lord and that the O.S.W must respond to is - "Am I enough for you?"

There's a certain threshold that a woman crosses when answering the dreaded question, "is there someone special in your life?" that requires a twenty minute explanation detailing the reasons for which you are dangerously close to turning thirty and thus headed towards old-maiden land.  That threshold is crossed by some single women earlier than others depending on whether or not they have more eyes watching them or more expectations placed on them.  Eventually however, all single women will cross that threshold and realize that being single is no longer an item that you check off on official documents, but a state of being that needs to be cured or corrected immediately.

Not only is there external pressure to find a mate, but there is also the internal pressure where the Older Single Woman (O.S.W) realizes that she is alone whilst almost everyone and their friends appear to be headed towards wedded bliss, and that she wants very much to start her own family and raise her own kids.  With that in mind, when asked the question, are you still single, the O.S.W finds herself attaching more to her answer - "yes, but..." and proceeds to detail that she is single because of a, b and c reasons. Somehow wired into the deep recesses of our human minds, being "single" means that you are "deficient" in some way or the other.  This feeling of deficiency increases with time and granted that many O.S.W's are incredibly successful in career and fruitful in ministry, they are discontent and deeply unhappy about their lack of significant other.

The reality is that when we meet an O.S.W, particularly in the church context, we think to ourselves - "I wonder whether she is just too picky? Too strong in personality? Isn't trying hard enough?  Called to be single?" And though we tend to admire the single woman for many important traits, we still think to ourselves (if we are younger sisters), "I hope I don't end up like that!"

I'm thankful for the apostle Paul, who gave credence to the single person in his letter to the Corinthians.  He said in 1 Cor 7:34-35 - "An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord."

Can you believe that the Bible actually has something to say to the O.S.W?  He's saying that it's fine to be an unmarried woman who is concerned about the Lord's affairs.  The principle here is that being single is not the same as being deficient.  By including this one teaching in the text, single people are given credibility and acceptance in the local church context.

As an O.S.W myself, I understand very deeply (believe me), that the issue of finding the right spouse is not as simple as merely remaining focused/devoted to the Lord's work until the "sent-one" approaches me.  There's a lot more complexity to the situation than that.  For instance, there are things that I need to do, such as work on myself as a person, grow in my own walk with Christ, overcome negative perceptions on relationships and let go of unrealistic expectations and a prideful sense of entitlement.  That is a discussion for my next entry. Before I get carried away however, one thing I think must remain clear in the mind of every O.S.W is that being single is not synonymous with being deficient.  Let's not allow ourselves to think and operate according to this distortion, but in fact, see that there is a place for us in the church and in our worlds as a single person...even if it requires a twenty minute explanation as to why we are still single.

Last year, a girl was caught pretending to be a student at Stanford.  You can read the story here.  What was really interesting about the story was that this young lady was able to play the role of a Stanford student so convincingly that she was able to get away with it, whilst living in the dorms and pretending to take midterms, for eight months!  Imagine what it would take to construct an entire identity around something that was not true.  You would first have to somehow, justify in your mind that it is ok to lie.  Next you would have to actually begin to believe that you are the person you are pretending to be.  Finally, you would have to figure out the system and keep track of your lies in order to hold the whole act together.  This is just too much work!  Underneath it all, if we were to do the cost benefit analysis, this young lady ended up desiring so much to be something that she was not that she was willing to pay the steep price.  This just reflects how deeply her desire went.  Without speculating too much on the causes for her behavior, I wonder if there was a deep fear attached to her longing.  Perhaps she was so fearful to be exactly who she was and who she thought others would perceive her to be as a "Stanford reject", that she was willing to go the distance in constructing her fake identity. 

We all suffer some kind of duplicity in our own lives.  I know I do!  It takes a lot of energy to maintain an image.  This goes back to my own fears related to acceptance and safety.  In the end however, I think the price for maintaining a self-constructed identity as opposed to being who God created you to be in His image, is too steep a price to pay. 

I'm reminded of the story in "The Dawn Treader", the fifth book of the Narnia series, where Eustace Scrubb becomes a dragon due to some foolish choices that he makes.  Later, he is unable to scrape his dragon scales off by himself because the scales have become such a part of his body.  Only Aslan is able to scrape off the scales and restore Eustace back into his original state.  It is only when we allow our Creator to clear off whatever "dragon scales" we have accumulated in our lives, that we are able to become who He intended us to be.  It is a painful process as is described by C.S. Lewis, that requires us to allow the sharpness of God's Truth to cut away the lies and duplicity.  This is a story of redemption and restoration.  

As we enter into the dog-days of summer, I am fighting the awful disesase known as "summer-brain."  This is right around the time in the calendar year, when I find myself slowing down.  My thinking slows down, my speech becomes sluggish and my body feels like it needs more time in rest mode than it actually requires.  I understand why certain places in the south, it's common to see people gently swinging on porch swings drinking sweat tea and fanning themselves to survive the heat of the summer months.

There is one area of my life that also seems to slow down as well - my spiritual life.  Apathy sets in like a misty fog and before I know it, I'm not as hungry to spend time in God's presence.  It always catches me off-guard because the slowness of the summer months is so subtle and before I know it, I've neglected one of the most integral aspects of my life - my relationship with God.

I'm reminded of the tree (Psalm 1) that is planted next to streams of water.  No matter what the season, that tree will bear fruit.  I want to be like that tree.  Well first of all, I want to be like a tree and be firmly planted to begin with.  But second to that, I want to make sure that I am planted to the place that offers continuous refreshment bringing health, vitality and bearing fruit.