On Ambiguous Relationships

I’ve been meaning to comment on a certain aspect of our relational lives that often fly under the radar for the very reason that  it is hidden and hard to catch - that is “Ambiguous Relationships.”

What is an ambiguous relationship? It is when a relationship goes from a platonic level to a nonplatonic one but not quite yet openly declared itself to be a romantic relationship.  Often the two people involved in an ambiguous relationship seem to be the last ones to even realize that they are even in this territory to begin with.

What causes an ambiguous relationship to happen? I would say that most relationships tend to become ambiguous at some level and at some point.  The real question is why do some people have ambiguous relationships and simply stay there without ever clarifying what it is or moving the relationship to some kind of definitive place.  Apart
from the fact that people who are chronic ambiguous relationship players are slightly delusional, it is also because an ambiguous relationship permits the individuals involved in enjoying the benefits of a relationship without ever having to become responsible for the other person.  In other words, the chronic ambiguous relationship person enjoys all the benefits without paying the messy price of being in an intimate relationship.  It is intimacy without integrity, pleasure without patience and connection without commitment.

As you can see, I am vehemently against chronically ambiguous relationships because it provides the perfect breeding ground for parasitical consequences to develop.  Most often, a chronically ambiguous relationship not only affects the two people involved in it, but the larger community as well.  By its very nature the ambiguous relationship excludes others from not only providing accountability and support for the relationship but also, in enjoying and integrating the new relationship into the community.  This atmosphere of exclusivity is created because even the “couple” has not been truthful that there is a relationship to begin with so it causes others to have to deal with the relationship as though it is not there at all. For lack of a better statement - how can you deal honestly with a delusion?

When I see a fellow sister in Christ begin to veer into an ambiguous relationship, I often try to wave my yellow flag as a warning saying “watch out”, “be careful!”  At the heart of this caution is not a desire to keep young women from the joys of a relationship (I believe in marriage), but it’s really because I believe that so much can be lost in the process of being caught up in the gravitational pull of an ambiguous relationship.  The greatest gift we can give to the Lord in our relationship with Him, as well as to others in community with us, is our whole hearts.  At the heart of relational purity, is not a set of dos and don’ts, it’s also not an instruction to guard our hearts behind iron bars, what it really is, is that our hearts are worth being dealt with as though it is actually worth something.  If we flippantly give away our hearts and affections, then what do we have left?

If you are beginning to realize that you are in an ambiguous relationship, my advice to you is to talk to someone about it - find a trustworthy sounding board and begin to be honest about what’s going on.  More importantly, try to seek some godly wisdom and invite the kind of guidance and covering that can provide helpful feedback to your situation.  If you are a chronic ambiguous relationship person, then I’d encourage you to come out of the closet about this and talk to someone
about this as well.  Take some time also to reflect on why it is that you are so inclined to enter into ambiguous relationships.  Invite accountability into your life as a gift and not as a terrible punishment.  Most of all, bring these things before God’s presence and ask Him to speak into this aspect of your life.