The “S” Word: S = Deficiency

There’s a certain threshold that a woman crosses when answering the dreaded question, “is there someone special in your life?” that requires a twenty minute explanation detailing the reasons for which you are dangerously close to turning thirty and thus headed towards old-maiden land.  That threshold is crossed by some single women earlier than others depending on whether or not they have more eyes watching them or more expectations placed on them.  Eventually however, all single women will cross that threshold and realize that being single is no longer an item that you check off on official documents, but a state of being that needs to be cured or corrected immediately.

Not only is there external pressure to find a mate, but there is also the internal pressure where the Older Single Woman (O.S.W) realizes that she is alone whilst almost everyone and their friends appear to be headed towards wedded bliss, and that she wants very much to start her own family and raise her own kids.  With that in mind, when asked the question, are you still single, the O.S.W finds herself attaching more to her answer - “yes, but…” and proceeds to detail that she is single because of a, b and c reasons. Somehow wired into the deep recesses of our human minds, being “single” means that you are “deficient” in some way or the other.  This feeling of deficiency increases with time and granted that many O.S.W’s are incredibly successful in career and fruitful in ministry, they are discontent and deeply unhappy about their lack of significant other.

The reality is that when we meet an O.S.W, particularly in the church context, we think to ourselves - “I wonder whether she is just too picky? Too strong in personality? Isn’t trying hard enough?  Called to be single?” And though we tend to admire the single woman for many important traits, we still think to ourselves (if we are younger sisters), “I hope I don’t end up like that!”

I’m thankful for the apostle Paul, who gave credence to the single person in his letter to the Corinthians.  He said in 1 Cor 7:34-35 - “An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.”

Can you believe that the Bible actually has something to say to the O.S.W?  He’s saying that it’s fine to be an unmarried woman who is concerned about the Lord’s affairs.  The principle here is that being single is not the same as being deficient.  By including this one teaching in the text, single people are given credibility and acceptance in the local church context.

As an O.S.W myself, I understand very deeply (believe me), that the issue of finding the right spouse is not as simple as merely remaining focused/devoted to the Lord’s work until the “sent-one” approaches me.  There’s a lot more complexity to the situation than that.  For instance, there are things that I need to do, such as work on myself as a person, grow in my own walk with Christ, overcome negative perceptions on relationships and let go of unrealistic expectations and a prideful sense of entitlement.  That is a discussion for my next entry. Before I get carried away however, one thing I think must remain clear in the mind of every O.S.W is that being single is not synonymous with being deficient.  Let’s not allow ourselves to think and operate according to this distortion, but in fact, see that there is a place for us in the church and in our worlds as a single person…even if it requires a twenty minute explanation as to why we are still single.