Girl Matters

There's a certain threshold that a woman crosses when answering the dreaded question, "is there someone special in your life?" that requires a twenty minute explanation detailing the reasons for which you are dangerously close to turning thirty and thus headed towards old-maiden land.  That threshold is crossed by some single women earlier than others depending on whether or not they have more eyes watching them or more expectations placed on them.  Eventually however, all single women will cross that threshold and realize that being single is no longer an item that you check off on official documents, but a state of being that needs to be cured or corrected immediately.

Not only is there external pressure to find a mate, but there is also the internal pressure where the Older Single Woman (O.S.W) realizes that she is alone whilst almost everyone and their friends appear to be headed towards wedded bliss, and that she wants very much to start her own family and raise her own kids.  With that in mind, when asked the question, are you still single, the O.S.W finds herself attaching more to her answer - "yes, but..." and proceeds to detail that she is single because of a, b and c reasons. Somehow wired into the deep recesses of our human minds, being "single" means that you are "deficient" in some way or the other.  This feeling of deficiency increases with time and granted that many O.S.W's are incredibly successful in career and fruitful in ministry, they are discontent and deeply unhappy about their lack of significant other.

The reality is that when we meet an O.S.W, particularly in the church context, we think to ourselves - "I wonder whether she is just too picky? Too strong in personality? Isn't trying hard enough?  Called to be single?" And though we tend to admire the single woman for many important traits, we still think to ourselves (if we are younger sisters), "I hope I don't end up like that!"

I'm thankful for the apostle Paul, who gave credence to the single person in his letter to the Corinthians.  He said in 1 Cor 7:34-35 - "An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord."

Can you believe that the Bible actually has something to say to the O.S.W?  He's saying that it's fine to be an unmarried woman who is concerned about the Lord's affairs.  The principle here is that being single is not the same as being deficient.  By including this one teaching in the text, single people are given credibility and acceptance in the local church context.

As an O.S.W myself, I understand very deeply (believe me), that the issue of finding the right spouse is not as simple as merely remaining focused/devoted to the Lord's work until the "sent-one" approaches me.  There's a lot more complexity to the situation than that.  For instance, there are things that I need to do, such as work on myself as a person, grow in my own walk with Christ, overcome negative perceptions on relationships and let go of unrealistic expectations and a prideful sense of entitlement.  That is a discussion for my next entry. Before I get carried away however, one thing I think must remain clear in the mind of every O.S.W is that being single is not synonymous with being deficient.  Let's not allow ourselves to think and operate according to this distortion, but in fact, see that there is a place for us in the church and in our worlds as a single person...even if it requires a twenty minute explanation as to why we are still single.

Last year, a girl was caught pretending to be a student at Stanford.  You can read the story here.  What was really interesting about the story was that this young lady was able to play the role of a Stanford student so convincingly that she was able to get away with it, whilst living in the dorms and pretending to take midterms, for eight months!  Imagine what it would take to construct an entire identity around something that was not true.  You would first have to somehow, justify in your mind that it is ok to lie.  Next you would have to actually begin to believe that you are the person you are pretending to be.  Finally, you would have to figure out the system and keep track of your lies in order to hold the whole act together.  This is just too much work!  Underneath it all, if we were to do the cost benefit analysis, this young lady ended up desiring so much to be something that she was not that she was willing to pay the steep price.  This just reflects how deeply her desire went.  Without speculating too much on the causes for her behavior, I wonder if there was a deep fear attached to her longing.  Perhaps she was so fearful to be exactly who she was and who she thought others would perceive her to be as a "Stanford reject", that she was willing to go the distance in constructing her fake identity. 

We all suffer some kind of duplicity in our own lives.  I know I do!  It takes a lot of energy to maintain an image.  This goes back to my own fears related to acceptance and safety.  In the end however, I think the price for maintaining a self-constructed identity as opposed to being who God created you to be in His image, is too steep a price to pay. 

I'm reminded of the story in "The Dawn Treader", the fifth book of the Narnia series, where Eustace Scrubb becomes a dragon due to some foolish choices that he makes.  Later, he is unable to scrape his dragon scales off by himself because the scales have become such a part of his body.  Only Aslan is able to scrape off the scales and restore Eustace back into his original state.  It is only when we allow our Creator to clear off whatever "dragon scales" we have accumulated in our lives, that we are able to become who He intended us to be.  It is a painful process as is described by C.S. Lewis, that requires us to allow the sharpness of God's Truth to cut away the lies and duplicity.  This is a story of redemption and restoration.  

As we enter into the dog-days of summer, I am fighting the awful disesase known as "summer-brain."  This is right around the time in the calendar year, when I find myself slowing down.  My thinking slows down, my speech becomes sluggish and my body feels like it needs more time in rest mode than it actually requires.  I understand why certain places in the south, it's common to see people gently swinging on porch swings drinking sweat tea and fanning themselves to survive the heat of the summer months.

There is one area of my life that also seems to slow down as well - my spiritual life.  Apathy sets in like a misty fog and before I know it, I'm not as hungry to spend time in God's presence.  It always catches me off-guard because the slowness of the summer months is so subtle and before I know it, I've neglected one of the most integral aspects of my life - my relationship with God.

I'm reminded of the tree (Psalm 1) that is planted next to streams of water.  No matter what the season, that tree will bear fruit.  I want to be like that tree.  Well first of all, I want to be like a tree and be firmly planted to begin with.  But second to that, I want to make sure that I am planted to the place that offers continuous refreshment bringing health, vitality and bearing fruit.

The recent sermon series - Renovations has been very good for me on a personal level.  It has caused me to reflect a bit on my own life and consider what areas of my mind, heart or will have yet to be attended to.  I especially appreciated the rooms metaphor as it helped me understand how we need to invite Christ into all rooms in our lives, even the ones we tend to neglect.  This became strikingly true for me this month as I am switching rooms with my roommate.  In moving a few feet I realized that I have a LOT of organizing to do.  Right now, my room is made up of four different piles.  The paperwork pile, where a mountain of old letters, documents and even a random frisbee has made it way onto my desk.  Then there's the clothes pile where I've effectively been able to hide away in my closet hoping that it will just go away by itself.  Next is the school pile where all my books, school work and other items that I accumulated in the past two years are scattered on my floor.  Finally, is the misc pile that's made up of everything else that I cannot seem to classify into the other piles.  Needless to say, the room is a mess! 

This made me realize a couple of things about myself.  One, I hate hate hate to organize!  I can live with a mess for quite a long time before I feel the need to begin the process of tidying.  Two, the mess won't go away by itself (as I keep hoping it will) if I simply ignore it.  Three, when I think about the work that it entails, I don't want to even get started!  Four, I can't really invite anyone to come visit me in my room until it is presentable.  Finally, I'm not going to get the most use of my room if I don't effectively clean it up.  I'm the same way when it comes to my spiritual life.  I tend to focus on externals and not my heart condition believing that since no one can see it, there's no need to attend to it.  In the end however, if I don't deal with what's going on inside then the outside is merely a facade and simply a set of behaviors without much power. 

As I begin the process of fixing up my room, I am praying that I will also begin to let God attend to the different areas of my life whether it be my heart, my mind or my will. 

I participated in Habitat for Humanity last weekend with some friends
and single adults from our church's Focus community.

We were sodding (a.k.a. putting sheets of grass onto a new lawn). Sounds easy, right?
ha ha haaa.....

So what 'sodding' really means is:
1) Walk through a mud pit and pick out all the brick, clay, wood, rock debris that was left by the old demolished house.
2) Shovel dirt throughout the whole lawn.
3) Rake and spread the top soil evenly.
4) Lay sheets of grass in lines across the lawn.
And for extra bonus fun, pick a hot, humid, sunny June day.

Bottom line: it was hard work! By the end, though, I felt like I was
on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. It was incredible seeing the
transformation of the house from the beginning to the end.

As I was thinking back to the day, I realized that there were some life illustrations that came out of the day. Here are a few:

#1: Shake off the muck if you want to move
Before we laid the grass, we had to clear out brick, wood, clay, and
rocks from the lawn. We had to trek through wet mud and clay to pick up
the pieces. Every step I took, more mud/clay stuck to my shoes, and
after 3 steps, I basically couldn't pick up my feet because the muck
was so heavy. Unless I shook off the excess muck that was weighing me
down, I wasn't going to get anywhere.

#2: Cover-up is only a temporary fix
As nasty as it was to clear out the muck, it was the most important
part. If we just laid the top soil and grass on top of the
brick/wood/clay/rocks, the grass would not be able to take root, and it
would die quickly. We couldn't just cover up the junk with the grass;
we had to clean the yard out so that healthy grass could grow.

#3: Help Helps
My friend and coworker Sarah and I were working on one side of the
lawn by ourselves for half of the morning. It was taking forever and
there was no end in sight - until we reached the back lawn, where there
was an army of other people to work together with. Things went about
ten times faster from that point on.

#4: If dirt and discomfort is inevitable, embrace it
When we started laying the grass, I realized the dirt and grass from
the sheets lands all over you. At one point, Sarah looked at me and
said, 'You're not dirty enough,' at which point I hugged the sheet and
smeared grass and dirt on my face. I have to say, it was a lot more fun
when I accepted the discomfort of the task and embraced it (literally)!

#5: It's all worth it in the end

Need I say more?

I enjoyed growing up in a family as the only girl with three brothers. After the death of my parents, our relationships grew closer and stronger. With two of them living in Chicago, I always look forward to my visits with them and their families. And since my kids are on summer vacation, our family was able to visit them recently.

I, especially, enjoyed the time with my youngest brother and his family. He has a 1.5 year old son and another child on the way. Seeing him grow as a husband and now as a father has been a blessing to me.

I still remember the time he came into college as a freshmen, and being the older sister who was known to constantly offer advice and nit pick on what he was and was not doing, we had come to a point in our older sister/younger brother relationship where he decided to put his foot down and told me to back off in his sweet way. Ouch...that hurt!

I had realized what he was trying to say to me (even before that incident but I just wasn't listening carefully enough) was to give him some room to mature and make his own decisions in life. Since then I have seen him grow as a person, a husband and now a father. I've also seen how my younger brother played the older brother role at various times in my life.

I'm praying that I will be able to give my sons the ample room they need for God to grow them as godly men, husbands and fathers one day. And whether we are a sister, wife, mother or friend, we play an important role in helping the guys in our lives to grow as godly men.

My youngest brother and his family with our family

My eldest brother and his wife and our kids

Have you ever heard of the "burkini?" I just discovered this new type of swimwear today and thought that it was such an interesting concept. It is for Muslim women who have chosen the veil and are committed to presenting themselves to the world with modesty. For Muslim women who live in countries surrounded by water, they have very few options for what they can wear when they swim. Often it is a hazard to swim in their reguluar cotton clothing and the option of showing skin goes against their principles. In response to this need, a line of swimwear called the "burkini" was created. You can read more about it here.

This just made me consider what principles I utilize and whether they affect every decision I make. Not that I will be wearing the "burkini" anytime soon, though I would consider for alternative reasons such as it being more forgiving than the bikini. But the principle behind it highlights how much some women in the world prize modesty as a virtue of their femininity. Has modesty become an archaic virtue in our generation today? Have we become too desensitized to how we present ourselves to the world? This was a challenging thought for me this morning as I read the article. The heart behind modesty is the desire to honor our brothers in the Body and to allow our character to be the main focus, not what we wear and what we don't wear. What we wear on the outside should only enhance that.

Finally, if there are any brothers out there who are reading this article, encourage the women in your smallgroups and affirm them for who they are and how they strive to be women of God. Most women are all too aware when they are getting "negative" attention from a guy - yeah, we see those traveling eyes. So please, covenant with God, your fellow brothers in Christ and yourself to keep your eyes from sinning and bless the women of the church by recognizing their God-given value and the beauty that comes from being a virtuous woman.

I remember back in middle and high school, I was a floater. I mingled with the intellectual nerds of the school paper, spent hours a week with the lacrosse jocks, was loosely affiliated with the 'cool' kids through a childhood friend, and found refuge at my parent's church with other Korean American teenagers. I came to college wondering if I would ever find true friends who would know me
(the good, the bad, and the ugly), accept me, and last beyond college.

I thank God because He provided more than I asked. Pardon my nostalgia, but I wanted to share about one friend in particular.

My first encounter with Rachel was freshman year, when my older sister
invited her to our apartment for dinner. I remember thinking, "She's
one of those goody-two-shoe Christian girls that my sister is reaching
out to." I didn't stick around for that dinner.

The next couple years we saw each other from afar at various church
gatherings. Then, junior year we both started serving as small group
leaders, and were put together as accountability partners. And the
rest is history.

We continued as accountability partners for the next 6 years, and then lived together as roommates for a year. Over that time, we went through highs, lows,
and really-really lows. I experienced true vulnerability as I
confessed (for the first time to a friend) insecurities about my self
image, family, future, and relationships, and listened to her open
up her life to me as well.

We struggled through college graduation, job-searching, life-purpose-searching. We became partners at work as we tried to start a school together. I
blind-carbon-copied (bcc'ed) her when I emailed that boy that I liked
so that she could monitor for excessive smileys and subliminal
messages.

We've dreamed, kayaked, prayed, hot-tubbed, made late-night trips to kinkos, traveled abroad to Canada for dim sum together.

And as she leaves to take part in a church plant in Austin, Texas, I'm
thankful because I'm certain that God has brought us together as
sisters in Christ, friends and partners in Kingdom work - not only in
the past, but wherever He takes us in the future.

And it all started with a simple prayer, back at the beginning of college:
"God, please provide a true friend who will walk with me for the length
of this journey."

A couple of weeks ago, my son chose to go see Prince Caspian for his birthday. As we were walking into the movie theater, I noticed a very long line outside, then inside the theater. As I was wondering what movie the line was for, I noticed that every single person waiting in line was a female. What was the reason for the gathering of all these women? It was to watch, Sex And The City!

Although I haven't seen the movie yet, I have viewed a couple of SATC episodes on television. (And with anything we view, we should understand what we watch with a biblical worldview, rather than a secular worldview.) I can't say for certain why each of the women were in line to watch the movie, but I can see how one aspect of the movie can be a draw for women.

The friendships that the four SATC women share is pretty special. You see the commitment, love and fun they share together in spite of what each one of them goes through.

I think as we get older, whether single or married, friendships we have with other women are so important. Many things will come up in our lives, whether the struggles of singlehood, broken relationships with the opposite sex, the pains of a divorce, a miscarriage, and the list goes on. In the midst of all these things, we see how friendships are a gift to us to support us through those moments.

I hope we can evaluate the friendships we have with other sisters to see if they are Christ-centered and edifying. Our friendships should be filled with listening, encouraging, admonishing and praying for one another. I know I'm thankful for the friends in my life!

Awhile ago, I was at a retreat and received some prayer from a Pastor who was gifted in the area of prayer. I was expecting a huge revelation from God and maybe even to find some much needed direction for my life as I received prayer. However, the one thing that this Pastor prayed for me was to know that God loved me. His exact words were - "Lord, she just needs to know that you love her." My expected "burning bush" experience turned out to be one of the most simplest, yet profound truths that has become the bedrock for my relationship with God.

Why has knowing that God loves me changed my life? As women, I believe that we tend to look for love in all the wrong places. We long for someone to prove to us that we are worthy to be loved. This may explain our preoccupation with waiting for our proverbial knights in shining armor. Our search leads us to all sorts of dead ends. The top three dead ends which I am all too familiar with are: expecting someone else to quantify your value, expecting your performance to prove your worth and hiding behind perfection or titles in the hopes that it will cover up any flaws that reveal who you really are. Let me break it down even further:

Looking to others: Think about what we long to receive from the people that we are close to in our lives. Is it yearning to hear your father tell you that he is proud of you? Or perhaps it is having someone tell you that you are beautiful, lovable and worthy to be cherished. The dead end in this alley is that as long as we depend on others to tell us who we are and what sort of value we have, we will forever be enslaved to a faulty and temporary standard.

Performance: Does the thought of failing cause you to break out in a cold sweat? If we make our competence the standard of our worth, then what happens when we fail? The problem with finding our worth in how well we perform is that there is no end to the cycle. When is it ever enough? Often those who follow this dead end, find that their relationships suffer and that they are unable to shut off their need to produce something.

Perfection & Titles: There's nothing that will distract people from seeing the real you, when you have something as important as a position/title to hide behind. The particular identifying markers of that position become your own identity and it becomes so easy to let that be the source of your worth. The danger of course is that it becomes so easy to deceive yourself that you are not in need of God or others and this in turn allows you to very easily court sin in your life. In the end, you're pretty much living a lie!

There's obviously more when it comes to the many ways we tend to find our value in all the wrong things. What I am discovering as I reverse out of the dead ends that I've often found myself painfully stuck in, is that I need to reorient how I view myself and how I understand my worth entirely around the authoritative truth of God's Word. This is when we can really learn from having that childlike heart and join in that simple childhood song that we are so quick to forget: "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so..."